Adult Jokes- Nasty jokes to please your dirty mind

 

 

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At the moment I am currently updating my amazingly vast amount of jokes, email me some you want to see on phillip10111@yahoo.com

 

 

The Big Horse Race

 

Horses in the race are:

 

1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Johnson

9. Heavy Bosum

10. Merry Cherry

 

At the Post:

 

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson

in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and

Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and

wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

 

Birth of a Candy Bar

 

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss

Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and

Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey

Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million

Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,

and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her

delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little

Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the Snicker

and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat

and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was

fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long

before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of

the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,

"Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's

Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my

Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece

of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,

you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong

up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was

giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my

Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow

Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough,

nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!

 

A new way to loose weight

 

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his

doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an

advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like

heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight

loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,

there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe

dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her

neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss

company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,

without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has

his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last

time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company

does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing

happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure

enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat

more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he

calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight

loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems

like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might

be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he

answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but

a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply

stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces

herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign

reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a

shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch

her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is

wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to

the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up

and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the

sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20

pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew

losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are

you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most

rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't

felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his

door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200

pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes

and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative

of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

 

Proffessional Terms

 

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent

marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This

court does not take annulments lightly."

 

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I

thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had

married a wide receiver."

 

A veterin

 

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got

home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting

with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after

which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

 

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the

vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

 

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

 

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of

cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I

can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" 

 

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then

patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted

on the phone"

 

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

 

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

 

A few questions and answers

 

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

 

 

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

 

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

 

A. Money.

 

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

 

A. After five years your job will still suck.

 

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

 

A. It's not hard.

 

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

 

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen

   donuts.

 

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

 

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

 

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

 

A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

 

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

 

A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

 

A young lady has just visited her doctor...

 

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her

that she was pregnant.  The young lady had been married for

ten years and had wanted a baby very badly.  As she sat on

the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the

good news with someone.  The gentleman sitting next to her

seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

 

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever

imagine.  I have to share it with someone or I'll bust.  She told

him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

 

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. 

He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens

laying eggs.  He stated that he went out to the hen house one

morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy.

he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

 

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me

too."

 

Fortunate ingenuity

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little

boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,

I  bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too

wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair

spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.  Then

he puts the worm back into the hole.

 

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and

runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and

hands the little boy another five dollars.

 

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom...

 

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store

laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's

no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

 

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and

once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of

the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

 

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him

to see where he goes."

 

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts

cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the

guy.

 

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."